Jokes

[Demonjay]

An Irish girl returns home after running away to the UK five years earlier.
Her father meets her at the front door and throws his arms around her.
He cries, "what have you been doing for the the past five years my lovely Irish lass?"
She sighs "well father i have been in England and i have become a prostitute!"
The father roars "Jaysus Christ! Ye dirty b*tch, get the f**k out of my house and I never want to see your sluty Wh*re face around here no more !"
She cries, "Ok father, I'm going. But before I go, I have a few gifts for you and mammy. That brand new four wheel drive Range Rover at the front gate is yours, on the back seat there is a new mink fur coat for my mammy
and in this envelope there is £100,000 pound that I will just leave here on the table, so goodbye father" and she turns to leave.
Her father runs out after her and puts his arm around her and says "Hold on there girl, what did you say you were in England?"
She sobs " A prostitute"
"OH thank f**k for that, I thought you said a protestant!"

[Starmeadow]

[Demonjay]

Apr 17, 2009 7:14:25 GMT -1 Starmeadow said:

[Starmeadow]

[Demonjay]

Apr 17, 2009 7:49:34 GMT -1 Starmeadow said:

[Aldric]

hahaha good one Jay

btw I like your new signature, it's awesome

[Demonjay]

hahaha ty m8 i like playing around in photoshop

ok how about this one

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there.
One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says
he would like to make love to her.
She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at
the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to.
She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her.
He agrees and goes for it.

After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis.
He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't
cause that smell.

She says "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder.
It's been six years since I've been able to wipe my butt."

[Aldric]

wahahahadude that joke is kind of shocking lol really brutal

I laughed my ass of dude

[Aldric]

Alright then I write one too, so Jay wont get the funniest member medal mwuhahahaha

- Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Five times a week.
- No, no... male or female?
- Yes. Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

[Feralthir]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

[Feralthir]

I lent my brother £20 last week. Turns out I'm now the UK's fifth biggest lender.

Cadburys is to launch a chocolate bar you don't have to pay for until next year. It will be called the Credit Crunchie.

Marks and Spencers are to merge with Poundstretchers. The new stores will be called Stretch Marks.

Poundland is to restructure for the recession and will be called '50p Land'.

Northern Rock is to be rebranded Northern Pebble.

Bank Managers are to concentrate on the Big Issues. They'll all be out on the street selling them next week.

The Isle of Dogs bank collapsed today. The retrievers have been called in.

The Origami Bank has folded, and 5,000 staff got the chop at the Karate Bank.

What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

How do you define optimism?
A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

What's the difference between the BBC's Business Editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
The pizza can still feed a family of four.

Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?
A quarter-pounder with fries, please.

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common?
They both have frozen assets.

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Are they being ironic?

You know it's a credit crunch when the ATM cash machine asks if you can spare any change.

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' he policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire - he says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.'
The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?'
The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning'

[Feralthir]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his Wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'. Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....

.....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

[Feralthir]

Dear Mr. Darling,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Britain 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:


There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. - Pay them £1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

4) They must send there kids to school / collage /university - Crime rate fixed

5) Buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

[Demonjay]

i love your jokes man
cant w8 for more !
il try to post some to but we ducth are not that good in english jokes

[Feralthir]

We often hear ' the rules ' From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what puce is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. It's natural.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.