Fearme
Former Clan member
^#OfficialMember#6MonthMember#1yearmember#multigamer#servicecross#participation#helpful
[M0:50]
Posts: 227
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 9:03:54 GMT -1
Post by Fearme on May 24, 2009 9:03:54 GMT -1
LOL! Keep them coming man...i love your jokes ;D
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 10:33:03 GMT -1
Post by Feralthir on May 24, 2009 10:33:03 GMT -1
Retired people
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 10:36:07 GMT -1
Post by Feralthir on May 24, 2009 10:36:07 GMT -1
Subject: 12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio 1. Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
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Jokes
May 24, 2009 10:39:43 GMT -1
Post by Feralthir on May 24, 2009 10:39:43 GMT -1
Guts or Balls...
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in hospitalisation.
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Jokes
May 25, 2009 14:24:19 GMT -1
Post by Demonjay on May 25, 2009 14:24:19 GMT -1
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those things cost. I'm taking you to church for confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now....'
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Jokes
May 25, 2009 14:27:54 GMT -1
Post by Demonjay on May 25, 2009 14:27:54 GMT -1
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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Jokes
May 25, 2009 14:30:21 GMT -1
Post by Demonjay on May 25, 2009 14:30:21 GMT -1
Joey takes his girlfriend Gena home from a date. At the front door, he leans against the wall and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What?" She's outraged. "You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see," Gena says, "a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one else is up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob...I know you'll like it too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO and NO and NO!!!"
"Baby..," he whines, "don't be like that..."
The door to the house suddenly swings open. It's Gena's younger sister in a nightgown, her hair a mess, rubbing her eyes."
"Gena," she says, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or Dad will come down and blow him himself, but for God's sake get him to take his hand off the intercom."
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Jokes
May 27, 2009 20:14:00 GMT -1
Post by Feralthir on May 27, 2009 20:14:00 GMT -1
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Jokes
May 27, 2009 20:15:59 GMT -1
Post by Feralthir on May 27, 2009 20:15:59 GMT -1
Goldfish (seems to the viral of the day going around) www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ5co_m4LA4btw, how the heck do you embed a youtube video on this site - I've tried various options and it just doesn't like it In the meantime, another old one, but still impressive www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSegR_w6zyAJust remember kids, monkey lovin' is neither big or clever...or apparently even legal
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Jokes
May 27, 2009 20:27:59 GMT -1
Post by Demonjay on May 27, 2009 20:27:59 GMT -1
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Jokes
May 28, 2009 15:53:35 GMT -1
Post by Curugane on May 28, 2009 15:53:35 GMT -1
Lol. lets see if i can make one too.
Pohjanmaa is a province in Finland. It is said that everything is big around there, big houses, big cars, big drinks, everything is big.
A man in his twenties were going on a trip to Helsinki to meet some of his old friends. They met up around 3 and had a party. At 10 the party was over and everyone went home. The man, feeling he was thirsty, went into a bar closeby. He ordered a beer and drank it up, then ordered a new one. After a few minutes a beautiful girl comes in and took the seat next to him. Pretty soon they begun to talk about everything betwen sky and earth, and the man ordered a especially big glas of beer. The girl asked -"How will you be able to drink all that?" -"Ah, everything is big where i come from, this is nothing". After finnishing the drink the man asked her if she wanted to spend the night at the hotel were he was staying since she had quite a walk home, he could take the couch. She agreed. They went out to a parking lot were he had his car, -"Thats one big car". she said -"Everything is big in Pohjanmaa, its nothing". They drove the half a mile to the hotel. They didnt care about sleeping in different rooms and just took their clothes off. -"Thats one big tool." -"Everything is big were i come from". They got down to it and after a few minutes he askes, "Which part of Pohjanmaa do you come from?"
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Jokes
Aug 6, 2009 5:24:01 GMT -1
Post by ann1985 on Aug 6, 2009 5:24:01 GMT -1
Edit: removed post
I dont know why u are posting all these links to these Dvd movies but its not allowed to post Illegal links to movies on this forum also if u wanna talk about movies or anything pls do it in the right board
-Demonjay
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